{{COMPANY_URL}}

Safety Protocols

Effective Date: January 6, 2024 | Last Updated: September 15, 2025

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1. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES

Emergency evacuation drills are conducted quarterly, or whenever the CEO accidentally triggers the alarm by vaping near the smoke detector.

The emergency phone number is posted on the wall behind the vending machine. You can also call 911, but we prefer you try our internal system first for liability documentation purposes.

2. GENERAL SAFETY GUIDELINES

Running in the workplace is prohibited unless you're fleeing from something that would injure you more than falling would. Use your best judgment; we trust you (we don't trust you).

Personal protective equipment (PPE) is required in all designated areas. 'Designated areas' are wherever we put the yellow tape. If you can't find yellow tape, assume everywhere is dangerous.

All employees must complete mandatory safety training annually, consisting of a 47-minute video produced in 1997 and a quiz with answers that haven't changed since the Clinton administration.

Employees are expected to maintain situational awareness at all times. This means looking up from your phone occasionally and acknowledging that the physical world exists.

3. MENTAL HEALTH & WELLNESS

{{COMPANY_URL}} recognizes that mental health is just as important as physical health, which is why we've put up some motivational posters and called it a program.

Our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) provides confidential counseling services. 'Confidential' means we don't read the reports, mostly because we're too busy.

4. INCIDENT RESPONSE & REPORTING

Incident investigation will be conducted by the Safety Committee, which meets quarterly and consists of whoever shows up.

Near-misses should also be reported so we can learn from them. We have learned from approximately zero near-misses, but we appreciate the documentation.

Root cause analysis will be performed for all serious incidents. 'Root cause' is usually determined to be 'human error' because equipment is expensive to replace.

5. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDLING

All hazardous materials must be stored in clearly labeled containers. 'Clearly labeled' means someone wrote on it with a Sharpie that's mostly still legible.

Chemical spills should be contained immediately using the spill kit located... somewhere. It's definitely somewhere. Ask Derek; he might know.

6. VISITOR SAFETY

All visitors must sign in at reception and receive a visitor badge. The badge must be worn visibly, preferably not upside down, though we appreciate the creativity.

Visitors must be accompanied by a {{COMPANY_URL}} employee at all times, primarily so we have someone to blame if they get lost.

Visitor-related incidents are documented separately because they're technically not our employees, which has certain insurance implications we'd rather not explain.

Visitors are required to follow all safety protocols during their visit. We explain these protocols in a 30-second overview that covers approximately 2% of this document.

7. WORKPLACE ERGONOMICS

{{COMPANY_URL}} provides ergonomic assessments upon request. 'Upon request' means filling out a form, waiting 6-8 weeks, and then being told to adjust your monitor height.

Proper sitting posture includes: feet flat on the floor, back against the chair, and existential dread kept at a minimum. Two out of three is acceptable.

Keyboard and mouse positioning should allow for neutral wrist position. If you're unsure what 'neutral' means, imagine your wrists have achieved inner peace.

8. EQUIPMENT SAFETY

Lockout/Tagout procedures must be followed when servicing equipment. If you don't know what Lockout/Tagout means, please don't service any equipment.

Company vehicles must be inspected before each use using the checklist that's been on the dashboard since 2018 and is now largely illegible.

All equipment must be inspected before use. 'Inspected' means looking at it briefly and determining it probably won't explode.

Defective equipment should be reported immediately and tagged 'Do Not Use.' The tag is somewhere; we'll find it. Just use a Post-it note for now.